THE STARS

Dan Andrews, Carlton v Brisbane, Guava Sparking Water

THE STARS are THE PARIS END’s fortnightly rated review section of unbridled opinion and lifestyle advice, bringing you the best and worst in trends, books, dining, and more. 

★★★★★ Dan Andrews

Daniel Andrews has left the building, and the people of Victoria are farewelling him with a heartfelt “Do Svidaniya, Comrade,” or a spiteful “Auf wiedersehen, Fuhrer,” depending on who you ask. It was Covid that transformed this affable, ruddy-cheeked career politician into a receptacle of so much deranged psychic energy. He became, for many, a Daddy figure in “uncertain times.” For others, he was a footsoldier in Bill Gates’ plot to install a One-World government. After lockdowns, these sentiments metastasised, and now, three years later, Andrews is the main character in all of our paranoid fantasies. He is at once a neoliberal shill and a CCP plant, a pusher of the Trans Agenda and a covert Catholic supremacist, a Nanny Statist and an inner-city libertine, irredeemably woke and single-handedly upholding the prison-industrial complex. Dan was at the centre of your editors’ pinboards, too: he hates raw milk, loves knocking down public housing, and didn’t buy the Nicholas Building. Being the Big Other and proverbial “they” in every conspiracy takes its toll. Earlier in the week, the Herald Sun published exclusive photos of Dan punching darts in the bushes outside a function. He looked beat, like a man who has seen too much. Except for a handful of anonymous pro-Labor Twitter-trolls who sleep with Dan Andrews body pillows, we think most Victorians were kind of relieved when he stepped down. Finally, we can move on, go back to simpler times when we didn’t need to know the name of the Premier. Goodbye, Dan. Thank you for your service. Now that you’re done, we’d like to invite you for a celebratory cigar at Siglo. Our shout. You can tell us what went down that night in Sorrento. Your secret is safe with us. Just mind the steps on the way out.