THE STARS

Edita's, phone chastity, glucose

★★★★★ Edita’s Fish and Chips

Given the ever-present line outside Edita’s, a new Tongan/Samoan fish and chips joint on Rathdowne St, we had a feeling it was going to be pretty good. So, the other day, we paid a visit and ordered the Paku’s Pack. After a few mouthfuls, our expectations were thoroughly exceeded: lustrous, fragrantly-seasoned shards of blue grenadier came encased in a billowy, crackly golden shell of batter so delicate that it recalled tempura. The chips were hand-cut, gently boiled, and then thrice-fried. The dim sim was spicy and decadent. The near-perfect potato cake was adorned with glistening flakes of sea salt. And all this, plus a drink, for just $19! Beyond fish and chips, Edita’s also serves Pacific Island favourites like Chopsuey Cigars—giant, crumbly spring rolls stuffed with beef vermicelli stir fry—and a refreshing watermelon and coconut granita called ‘Otai. They’re only open Wednesday til Sunday, 12pm to 3pm and 5pm to 9pm. Throughout those scanty hours, there is a constant throng of hungry people who have travelled from near and far to feast on Edita’s outrageously succulent take on the Filet-O-Fish, which oozes with homemade tartar sauce. All this is to say: the wait at Edita’s may be long, but it’s worth it. Order your fish, hop over to Gerald’s next door, and throw back a few gin martinis while you wait. What a time to be alive in Carlton North.

★★★★ Phone chastity

Your editors have been hearing rumours of a new bespoke service being advertised online. Picture this. Your alarm goes off at 8:00am. Stoned-over from hitting your medicinal vape a little too hard the previous night, you begin scrolling in bed. Frenemy in Bali bikini pic. Trump and Zelensky. Cyclone Alfred. Ugh. Why can’t you just get up? There’s a sudden pounding on the front door. You wrap yourself in a clinging silk robe. Just in time. A muscle-bound hottie busts in, pries your iPhone out of your sweaty hands, and, maintaining eye contact, gently slips it into a reinforced box, which has a lock and a timer. He proceeds to install the box, securely attaching it to a spot on your hallway wall. “We’re renters—” you begin to say. He ignores you, setting the release function for later that day. “You’ve been very, very bad,” he tells you. “This is for your own good.” You gulp and nod.