THE STARS are THE PARIS END’s fortnightly rated review section of unbridled opinion and lifestyle advice, bringing you the best and worst in trends, books, dining, and more.
★★★★★ Brunswick Baths Crypto Outbreak
With human gaming chair Sam Bankman-Fried in jail and peer-to-peer digital currency network protocols no longer a topic for polite dinner table conversation, you could be forgiven for thinking that we were finally free from crypto discourse. Not so. The Paris End editors were shocked to hear that a bacteria called “Cryptosporidium” recently shuttered the cooling, communal waters at the Brunswick Baths. Crypto spreads when “sporulated oocysts,” which contain “sporozoites,” exit an infected host, usually via faeces. We're not biologists, but it sounds like someone was pooing in the pool. In late January, readers who shall remain anonymous reported the sudden onset of vicious gastro symptoms. The bacterial bull market was on. All up and down Sydney Road, gorgeous girls with t-shirts dampened by still-wet bikinis felt a stirring in the gut even worse than their usual IBS. Packs of young boys, shaking their dripping hair like shaggy dogs, suddenly went pale and clammy. Baths management acted quickly once the outbreak was identified, closing the affected pools and conducting an “intensive” process of “hyper” chlorination, among other treatments, to “eliminate” any lingering Crypto. Phew. We reckon now is the perfect time to visit. The Baths are sure to be significantly cleaner than they've been all summer, and probably way less busy than the non-consensual runway show that is Fitzroy Pool. Why wouldn’t you go for a splash? This is a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to, as cryptoheads say, “buy the dip.”
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